Too Much or Not Enough? How Often Should You & your Partner Have Sex?

Sexual frequency is a fairly common concern among couples. Especially if frequency starts to lag.

Couples want to know what’s normal (actually, when it comes to sex, everyone wants to know if they are “normal.”). Couples generally want to know if they are on the right track toward a fulfilling sexual future, or if they need to nip a problem in the bud. They want to know if they are doing “it” right.

What about you and your significant other? Are you starting to wonder if your sexual habits are habitual enough?

Comparison is human, but the truth is, what you consider “normal” depends on a few key factors… and it has little to do with keeping up with the Joneses in bed.

How Often Should You & Your Partner Have Sex?

Once a Week for Wellbeing?

If you are looking for a  frequency number, there is a recent study that explored the link between sexual frequency and sexual well-being in relationships. It made the case that, at a minimum, intercourse once weekly supports the health of a couples connection.

Still, there is more to the frequency equation.

Consider that Context Matters

To spend time fretting over frequency may be time misspent. Why? Because it really doesn’t tell you much. The thing about frequency is that it might not reflect your feelings for each other. It might signify unresolved medical issues. Or it may hint at hidden resentment. It also doesn’t speak to the quality of sex you're having. Your relationship will fare better if you look at why you do or don’t have sex and whether you do or don’t want sex, rather than the frequency of the act.

This sort of context may be harder to pin down than dates on your sexual calendar, but it’s much more informative and honoring of your connection. Also, it’s often more helpful to clarify what your sexual frequency indicates about the quality of your emotional connection and overall sexual relationship.

Consider What Frequency Says About Changes in Your Life

Has something changed in your lives? What transitions are you experiencing? Are your questions regarding sexual frequency related to shifts in your normal rhythm or are outside pressures weighing on your relationship?

Rather than compare yourselves to others or try to reach an arbitrary number of sex acts per week. Think about what’s typical for you and where things got off track. Discuss what led to this change. Discuss too, whether you are comfortable with a certain amount of ups and downs. It may be that sexual frequency is not the worry you perceived if you can establish a dialogue with your partner to get back on track.

Consider How Your Emotional Connection Factors into Sexual Frequency

Think about your whole relationship. How is sex woven into your happiness and emotional connection? Often feeling pleased and comfortable with each other fuels a desire to have more sex. Sometimes having more sex increases relationship happiness.

Examine your relationship and the associated emotions to see if they might be connected to sexual frequency.

Consider Deeper Satisfaction Instead of Sexual Frequency

It may be that the focus on sexual frequency overshadows sexual satisfaction. A quality sex life is generally far more important than quantity for our perception of frequency and what’s normal for you. You might find that few sexual interludes are just fine due to a higher level of sexual satisfaction. Or you might discover an uptick in frequency occurs because you know that deeper satisfaction is possible.

Take the Next Step

It’s perfectly normal to want to know what is “normal”. Still, it’s more gratifying to determine what works best for you. There is no need to wait or go on hoping that things will change without a plan for change. Seek out a therapist to share techniques, ideas, and methods that can combine the sexual frequency you desire with the quality you want.

As qualified, experienced sex therapists, we’re here to help. Please read more about sex therapy and reach out for a confidential consultation soon.