Can We Get Past This? What It Takes to Recover from Infidelity
Whatever your relationship faces, there are few things that hit harder than infidelity.
If you are currently caught in a flurry of gut punches an affair can serve, you likely feel hurt and disoriented. Possibly, you’re already on the mat, too afraid to get up and face what’s coming.
You and your partner need a referee right now to give you a 10-count and space to breathe. You need to assess what all of the pain amounts to. How did the fight begin and how can you both come out of it winners?
The answer depends on your commitment. However, it will take time and effort to repair and restore your connection. Let’s look at what will help turn things around:
Working Through Betrayal
Prioritize Counseling Early On
Couples in crisis benefit from marriage counseling for a variety of reasons. Please don’t give in to the thought that you should be able to navigate the emotional pain, poor communication, and lack of trust alone. There is no shame in seeking help and sharing your situation with a qualified, compassionate guide.
A commitment to couples counseling, after an affair, will help reopen the door to mutual understanding and productive interaction. One of the many supports you’ll need to help your relationship survive.
Face the Hard Truths About Your Relationship
With solid personal and relationship support, you can start to deal with what went wrong in your connection. At the heart of it, deception and misguided attempts to meet your needs should be fully addressed. Recovery cannot happen without “going there” emotionally in the most honest and constructive ways possible. This requires vulnerability in a myriad of ways.
Commitment to change involves examining and answering tough questions like
What happened? Full disclosure, an honest apology, and a sincere, mutual decision not to continue in a deceptive relationship is vital.
What needs to happen first? Dealing with the changes that the affair has wrought is necessary. Face the hurt and lack of trust with complete transparency and sincerity. Acknowledge the wide range of your emotions with patience and as little defensiveness and stonewalling as possible. Trust can’t be built without these commitments.
What caused the infidelity? Answering this in-depth is not a call to blame. It’s a call to accountability and personal responsibility. Underlying issues must be brought out and dealt with productively. Secrets, resentments, and unresolved hurt just make a bad situation worse. Now is the time for healing.
What changes help remake your connection? Whether you’re aiming for a relationship remodel or complete reconstruction, the way you relate requires new skills. Keeping an open mind and a willing spirit will support a productive way forward.
Acknowledge the “Shame” of Staying Together
Well-known relationship therapist Esther Perel speaks to the importance of dealing with shame when it comes to affair recovery.
Marriage has, for ages, been a type of economic exchange, rooted in the various sharing of resources and contractual agreements. Getting a divorce, not so long ago, led to shame regardless of the reason, infidelity included.
Yet now, in our modern era, divorce is often painted as the way to react when a partner’s infidelity is revealed. To do anything less than break off the relationship hints that your self-esteem is low or your self-respect is lacking. Along this line of thinking, Perel notes that many betrayed partners feel that “staying is the new shame.”
So, what to do? Take your eyes off shame. Do what is best for you and your relationship without explanation. Divorce is an option, but not the only one. If you are able to be emotionally honest and willing to create space for recovery, don’t allow yourselves to be shamed out of the opportunity.
Can an Affair Put You On a Path to the Love You Both Want? You Might Be Surprised…
An affair can regenerate your relationship. You get to take control of the answer to “do you want to build your new marriage together?” Or do you want to beat each other up with the pain of the past?
This choice isn’t a denial of the past but the chance to empower each other. You get to learn more and do better for yourselves and each other. Seeing the affair as transformational can encourage you to be proactive, share honestly, and set appropriate expectations and boundaries for your relationship as a fully functional and loving team.
Seek Help Sooner Rather Than Later…
If you and your partner were hurt by an affair and still desire to work on your marriage, then it’s possible to recover. However, it’s important to employ a supportive process for healing and transformation. Let the therapists at Joanne Bagshaw & Associates help you and your partner. If you’re ready to the future you’ve longed for, please read more about couples counseling and contact us soon for a confidential consultation.