My Partner Has a Personality Disorder: What Now?

Perhaps you didn’t realize how hard things would be when you and your partner got together. Maybe their diagnosis came later in your relationship. Nevertheless, their personality disorder diagnosis likely makes sense now.

The rollercoaster emotions, the terrible arguments, the clinginess, and the accusations. Feeling like you just never know how the day is going to go. Loving and living with someone who has a personality is often difficult and confusing.

It isn’t impossible. It does, however, require a realistic, informed perspective. Going forward means that you need to commit to high levels of communication and self-care. Prioritizing boundaries is vital. Your mental health and physical safety are paramount.

So, what now? What does all this mean practically?

Strategies for Partners Dealing with Personality Disorders

Find the Information You Need 

Empathy comes through education. Learning more about what your partner is experiencing can help you resolve some hard feelings and foster more patience during challenging times. Moreover, your own feelings of shame, embarrassment, and resentment are likely to be tempered with more information about the condition and how to cope.

Encourage the Help a Mental Health Counselor or Therapist

To get the most out of life together you will need guidance— separately and together. Personality disorders often require layered treatment by a professional or group of professionals that remain fixtures in your partner’s life. Acknowledge and accept this. Let them know how much you appreciate their willingness to take these measures for themselves, you, and your future together.

Pay Attention to Productive Periods for Conversation and Connection 

Take note of times and circumstances that foster productive conversation and rational interaction. Table interaction when your partner is reactive, defensive, or overly emotional. Those are signed that their symptoms may be out of control and connecting as a couple is unlikely.

Practice Healthy, Open Communication

First, count on miscommunication and erroneous conclusions at times. The anxiety, controlling behavior, and insecurities linked to personality disorders make open conversation tough. Nuance is often lost on people who tend to be reactive and irritable. Learn to speak as openly and objectively as possible to keep discussions on track.

Take little personally and do your best to stay on your side of the street conversationally. Using “I” statements and open-ended questions to help reduced defensiveness in your partner. If communication becomes unproductive or abusive let your partner know that you’ll talk when things are calm again.

Be There

If you’ve decided to remain in the relationship, offer your partner support. Be understanding and communicate that you understand that what they are dealing with is very hard. That being said, recognize that your offers may often appear to be rejected. That is the nature of the disorder. Make it clear that you support them and their treatment and encourage them without expecting much in return.

Avoid Using the Personality to Pigeon-holing Your Partner

It’s easy to become frustrated with their disorder that you start to attribute who they are to the condition. That’s not entirely fair and can be quite demoralizing to your partner. They are still a whole person, with a legitimate history, cares, and concerns. Avoid creating contempt in the relationship by using labels or blame as a means of trying to managing them or their behavior.

Never dismiss rage, threats, or abuse.

Abuse is a deal-breaker. Threats of self-harm or suicide require action. Whether you think your partner will actually follow through isn’t important. Don’t hesitate to put safety first. Be prepared to call your partner’s therapist and/or emergency responders if necessary.

Self-care must be prioritized.

It’s easy to be consumed by the behavior of your partner. Yet, how important it is to develop a trusted, reliable, non-judgmental support system cannot be overstated. Cultivate safe people and safe places to discharge your stress. Do this regardless of your partner’s gaslighting or guilt trips. You deserve comfort and emotional release.

In addition, try to prioritize all the basics too. Even when you don’t feel like it doesn’t matter. Sleep and relaxation are vital. Healthy choices nutritionally, physically, and recreationally support clarity and healthy choices in your relationship too.

Seek the Support of a Qualified, Compassionate Therapist

Your partner’s PD won’t make a life together easy. The risks they take, the lack of restraint and self-control, and the damage they can do emotionally need to be addressed in very real and ongoing ways. Therefore, to minimize the harm to everyone involved means seeking professional support. There’s no shame in this or reason to feel guilty. Therapy is a wise way to assess what’s possible in your relationship and increase your chances of creating a safe, mutually fulfilling connection.

I’m here to help. If you are interested in exploring more effective ways to cope, communicate, and care for yourself, please consider therapy.