Healthy Differentiation: What is it and Why it's Important in your Relationship

You’ve heard it before. People (usually more women than men) talk about “losing themselves” in their relationships. 

How does that happen? Well, to be fair, we live in a society that encourages a certain amount of self-surrender for the sake of love. After all, isn’t the whole idea to fall in love, complete each other, and become each other’s better half forever? There’s not a lot of talk there about preserving individuality or autonomy. In fact, to bring those things up may seem cold and unromantic.

So later, when we’re feeling lost and overwhelmed by the demands of perpetual connection, it’s no wonder we feel guilty about needing some space.

In reality, not being able to stake boundaries and maintain your sense of individuality can make waves in the relationship. Why? Because we don’t realize it’s okay to love each other and retain your individuality. This is vital for the health and longevity of your relationship. It’s called differentiation.

What is Differentiation

Differentiation is the process of distinguishing yourself. 

In your closest relationships, you want a couple of things: to be loved and fit in. So, you often put yourself aside to retain those things and be together. 

Yet, you also have that inner desire to be yourself completely and tell your loved one to accept you warts and all? That is your autonomous self. The key is to determine how willing are you to let that part of you be free or be squelched.

A poorly differentiated person lives primarily in just one of the two camps. They choose to wholly and completely half of a couple or they go it alone.

Obviously, there is a balance to be struck. Ideally, a healthy person invests time and energy in their relationship and invests time and energy into their own needs, interests, and aspirations. 

Moreover, healthy differentiation fosters the ability to create firm personal boundaries,  demonstrate a willingness to live by and defend your own core values, and to respectfully disagree with your partner when you feel it prudent.

All told, differentiation is the cornerstone for a mature, authentic connection to yourself and to others. 

So, what does differentiation look like in daily life? And how can it make your relationship better practically?

Key Ways Differentiation is Important in Your Relationship

Differentiation of Self Improves Emotional Clarity &  Personal Expression

Differentiation allows you to productively identify and express your own thoughts and emotions. Your whole self is acknowledged and validated from the inside out. Skillfully separating your feelings from your partner’s becomes less frightening.  Taking responsibility for owning and sharing those thoughts and feelings is empowering. Your relationship is less prone to blaming and misunderstanding.

Differentiation from Partner Supports Curiosity & Interest

Differentiating from your partner isn’t a rejection of your life with them. It simply means being fulfilled outside of the relationship as well. Achieving this allows you both to be whole people with interests, complexities, and depth you might not discover if you only see each other as extensions of your relationship. 

Autonomy restores mystery and intrigue to your connection. The romantic spark is often rekindled as a result.

Differentiation Promotes Growth and Hope

This process also lends itself to self-reflection and contemplation of passions and goals. Being more expressive and authentic as a person will likely encourage you to see your future differently. You may find you are more aware of what you bring to your relationship and want to create a safer environment for both of you to forgive, encourage, dream and fulfill dreams. 

Differentiation Increases Tolerance and Empathy   

Differentiation can be scary if it is equated with rejection or pulling away from the love in a relationship. Thus, it’s important to note that embracing individuality actually fosters a higher tolerance for anxiety. Instead of going along to get along, you both make time and space for each other’s views, needs, and reflections. As your patience grows, so does mature self-soothing,  emotional regulation, and gratitude for each other’s contribution to the relationship. 

Are you and your partner struggling with differentiation? Relationship therapy can help you move forward. Please feel free to reach out to me for more information.